Tributes

It has been five years.  Five years.  Rachel would be 24yrs and 6 months old.  We all wonder what she would be doing now, where she would
be living, how she would have matured  . . .  We  remember and imagine.

We have learned to live with the questions.  We’ve learned to live with the emptiness.  We have learned to manage our grief  . . . somewhat.  

I still feel Rachel, less often now, but as whisper, an unexplained touch, a shadow that is within me that on rare occasion steps outside
of me to throw a light or a movement against the surrounding surface.  It is sometimes a warm and reassuring feeling and other times it
just clarifies the absence of her.

The warm, beautiful days of October and early November of 2010 helped to delay the deepest dread we experience this month.
November, I think of it as an in-between month.  Autumn is not quite over but the most beautiful part of that season has dissipated.
November isn’t quite winter but usually has many cold, dreary, bone chilling days.  It seems that if Rachel was to leave us it would be
during an in-between month. A transitional month.  A month when trees drop their final leaves and green vegetation dies back to brown.
Rachel was so full of color and life and love.  Of course she would leave us when the world loses its color and turns gray.

Marc Bahnsen, Rachel’s close friend from Grayslake, who was attending the University of Minnesota in 2005, wrote a poem after her
death and read it at her funeral.  It touches my heart today as it did the first time that he read it. 

As you remember Rachel on Nov 15th or at any time, light a candle, say her name and play some music . . .   “Imagine”  by John Lennon,
"The Shape of  You" by Jewel and "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry.  Remember Rachel and imagine . . .

I've thought for weeks of what to say on this occasion.  You wouldn't believe the deep and profound and strange things
that have gone through my altered brain.  I finally happened on a quote that succinctly stated my thoughts:

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself
constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell."
                                                                                                                                   - Edna St. Vincent Millay

I recently discovered some music by a group called The Weepies.  It is probably not new to many of you.
Nonetheless I like many of their songs and the song "World Spins Madly On" spoke to me and described
many days that I have lived through.  The point is that I lived through them.

There are reasons to be happy today.  Our grandson, Hunter, is 1 year old on this very day and he is bright and
beautiful.  He and his mother, Lindsey, are gifts to our family and we are thankful.

To all who loved Rachel, our memories are forever.  For all whom Rachel loved, hold that in your heart forever.
Light a candle for Rachel today.  Play some of her favorite music.  Remember Rachel.

Denny and I are thankful for all of you who have befriended us and stayed near us for the past three years.  As many
of you know, grief is lonely and life altering and the pain is indescribable, though we all struggle to give it
form and words.  We are blessed to have all of you in our lives.   Love & hugs,   Toni

Has it really been two years? Two years since the bottom fell out of our world? Has it been two years since I last hugged Rachel or talked to her on the phone or heard her laugh? If it has been two years then why does it still hurt so much? Why do I feel the need to send a message into cyber space as if it were a prayer sent to her? I strangely obsess on the things she has missed, as if she were merely absent and not gone forever. She has missed so much. I think of just the music that she has missed. She had a continuous sound track for her life and wrote down song lyrics for their poetry and their deep meaning, as she felt it applied to her life. Rachel hasn't heard James Blunt or Ingrid Michaelson or the new release of the Beatles hits. How can that be? She and a few of her friends always knew the new artists before everyone else did or had an appreciation for the old ones that few people her age did.. I still find myself looking for Jack Johnson concerts because that is what I was doing at the time of her death. She so wanted to see him perform live and I wanted to buy her the tickets.

Rachel has missed seeing her Mankato friends come to Grayslake and her Grayslake friends go to Mankato. She has missed their testaments about the relevance and meaning of her friendship and existence in their lives. She has missed the beautiful colors of fall which she loved and that I have come to dread as they are the precursor to another cold and icy November. But most importantly, she will miss being an aunt. Her brother, Rhys, who she so often said acted more like her dad than her brother, will miss seeing her brother as a real dad. And Rhys's son will only know his aunt Rachel as photographs and stories. How do we communicate her special energy that enchanted us all?

There is a new Garth Brooks song and video (Rachel would hate the use of a country song for an analogy) that says “She is more than a memory....”. And Garth Brooks' visual interpretation of the song in video is a constant, unrelenting rain that is there when he wakes up and there when he goes to bed. The rain which is inside the house as well as outside, is symbolic of the pervasive sorrow that surrounds him and inhabits him. It is an image that speaks to me. Sorrow has taken root so very deep within me. It has indelibly changed me and I know that I am not alone in that experience.

On November 15th, remember Rachel. Play music, light a candle at 9:23 p.m. and send a poem, a prayer, a lyric, a kiss into the night where surely she must be floating as tiny bits of energy, all glistening and colored like the swirling leaves of fall when the late afternoon sun shines through them.
Find comfort in your memories. I will try to find comfort in mine. Has it really been two years?

“Hi, I'm Cassie-
I was watching TV one night and there was an interview with Kanye West on and he said something that stuck with me, even before all of this happened. “The only thing that life promises is death but also blesses us with memories of love and friendship.” I was truly blessed to be one of Rachel's greatest friends. I was so happy to be her friend. Before I even met Rachel, I remember going into freshman year and everyone was talking about this crazy red haired girl that came from a different school from most of the rest of us. Everyone was anxious to meet her and I didn't understand what the buzz was about. But then I finally met her and it was amazing. She had this aurora around her that you see and it just drew people to her. Everyone wanted to be her friend. I can't remember one person not talking about her and not wanting to be her friend. She was an amazing girl. She never really knew how amazing she was. Everyone here today can say how amazing she was. In the bottom of her heart I think she knew because she knew how many friends she had. (turning to Toni & Denny) God, we practically lived at your house! We just couldn't stay away from her. We have so many memories. We wanted to tell you some of our memories. One of mine is dyeing all of our hair at your house. All of l
of us girls! I swear we had the rainbow on our heads, not to mention your carpet! We always told you we'd replace it, but we haven't got there yet. I just wanted to tell you that I was totally thankful for Rachel. She'll always be in my heart. I've been truly blessed to be a part of your family and spend time with you. Rachel was one of the greatest friendship blessings of my life.”

(Christmas Letter '06)

 As you know, we have had the most difficult year one can imagine as we try to adjust to a life and family without Rachel. We have tried to remember her and honor her in different ways throughout the year. Denny created a website. We have purchased a llama, chickens and sheep through Heifer International to help support third world families. We were able to start two art scholarship programs; one at Minnesota State University and one at Grayslake Central High School. We have worked with the Grayslake Park District to designate a pathway along which trees can be planted in memory of loved ones. We planted the first two trees – ‘autumn blaze maples’- whose red leaves will match the various shades of red that Rachel used to dye her hair. We had a live butterfly release when 6 of Rachel’s friends visited us in Grayslake. We had a second butterfly release when my brother John, his wife Marie and their 3 girls, Sarah, Hannah and Eve visited Grayslake this summer before returning to Shanghai.  The butterflies stayed around the rest of the summer, resting on the butterfly bushes that the 3 girls had planted for them in our yard. And yet it doesn’t seem to begin to be enough.  There is still a pain and constant longing that is with us.

What have we learned from all of this loss and grief?  People can surpass your expectations for kindness and understanding.  Sorrow is a word whose meaning is not known until you’ve lost a child. Grief is selfish. Family and friends are the essence of life.  Children are joy.  There are more questions than answers. 

Toni

The Train

November Reflections

The Billfold

Last Trip Home

11:48 am   Tuesday, March 14, 2006        Vickie Mickelson                                                                                

A ringing phone in a Minnesota home nearly goes unanswered until a mother glances at the Caller ID and sees the call is coming from her oldest son who is on a ski vacation in the west.  When she answers, the connection sounds distant and static.  Her son begins,   “She’s at 12,060 feet.” and she immediately knows his meaning.  With difficulty, he continues, “She’s at the top of Mary Jane.  We hiked a long way in deep snow to get here and we’re beat.  There’s a sign…and I took some pictures.”  His mother responds, “Thank you for doing this.  I know Toni and Denny will be happy and I am happy too.  Now we need to take her to the top of Diamond Head.  She always wanted to go there.”  Unable to continue she manages a final sentence, “This is so sad…”  Her son equally distraught responds, “I’ve got to go before I lose it.”                                                                        

Spontaneous message given by Rachel's mother Toni, at the funeral on November 19, 2005

Rachel touched everybody in so many ways. She was in Mankato for such a short time but she made so many friends. She saw the beauty in so many people. She certainly was not a perfect person in her own right but she saw and made friends with many people who were not perfect either. But she saw the beauty in them. So I hope that this is something that can be carried on with all of the other people as they go on with their lives.

She impressed everyone she met. She was a beautiful girl. She didn’t realize often that she would walk in a room or walk down the street and she would turn people’s heads. And she wasn’t even aware of it.

She never felt quite good enough. I think she felt like, in our family, that she didn’t do enough or didn’t make the grade. That is a regret our family will have to live with.

So we want this to be a celebration of acceptance, not only of Rachel, but of all of you, all of your friends, and all of your families. We are all beautiful and we’re all perfect in our “imperfectness”.  I think this is what God has tried to communicate to all of us from the beginning of time.
 

A poem written and read by Marc Bahnsen at the funeral on November 19, 2005

To Rachel Salomonson

The pain runs deep And the reality Still has not yet set in.
All those talks we had Concerning fate Suddenly ring all to true.
Today the sky perfectly paints the color Of my heart’s emptiness
November forever draped in gray.

I didn’t understand that look in your eyes, The last time I saw you.
Little did I know that The slightest bit of infinity Would soon slip in between us.
Now you get to see the sun all too soon And There is nowhere I can go to escape.
No longer will I be able to call you And Listen to my worries vanish with the wind.
All I have are your memories And The part of me who is a better person for Knowing you.

I know this winter will be harder Than the rest.
The trees stand bare, bracing themselves For the cold ahead.
You would always remind me that Spring will come again soon enough.
The green will grow back before our eyes And The butterflies will break from their cocoons, Flying toward freedom.
The sun will rise again And The skies will turn a beautiful blue.
The flowers will bloom And The gentle breeze will lay my anxieties To rest.
I will look upwards at the stars And Know that I will always have someone looking Out for me.

Time
Time is now the only thing that separates us.

Rest easy, Kiddo

Rest easy And Know that you forever brightened the day For all those who loved you.
 

When I first met Rhys I was introduced to the absolutely most amazing people…there was Denny, Toni and of course there was Rachel. She was always really shy to me at first but through the years Rachel and I began to bond in weirder ways than usual.

As I became the mediator between Rhys and Rachel’s fights whether I was stopping her as she was flying through the air lunging for Rhys’s throat or just calmly sitting down and talking, we became closer in ways. Most of these talks were of how much she hated Rhys for bugging her but of course I tried to tell her that he was doing what a big brother does best, just being a jerk. Of course Rachel didn’t put it in those words but we get the idea.

Through all this and getting to know her more and more she became more than just a friend to me…she had become in many ways my sister. I mean coming from a family of 2 younger brothers the closest thing we have to a sister is my dog…but all she knows how to do is beg for food and roll over. But as I became more and more involved with the Salomonson’s daily lives, each day in Rachel’s presence allowed me to feel as though I was her OTHER big brother.

Rachel gave me a chance to feel like Rhys did…I envied him so much for being able to be a big brother to her. Rachel would always tell me, that even after fighting Rhys or chasing him around the house, that she loved him so much and she wouldn’t have had any other person in the world take the place of her big brother but him…

Now I’m sure there is something else about Rachel we all know… You see as you walk through the upstairs of the Salomonson household there is some outstanding evidence that we all can relate with…THEY REALLY NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT CARPET!! Not because the animals tore it up or did their business on it and not because it’s too old but because of one individual who’s room was turned into a salon on the weekends and an art studio in the evenings. I never thought I’d see a girl dye her hair so many times that by the final result I couldn’t tell whether she had messed up and painted her head instead of her own paintings.

Those stains of paint, or makeup, or hair dye on the Salomonson’s carpet represent more than just a pretty big mess and a large carpet cleaning bill. It represents what Rachel did to each of us. She left her mark on each and everyone of you. Rachel was always the one to talk to about any of our problems. Even if she had many problems of her own going on she wouldn’t hesitate one second to stop and listen to her friend’s issues and help them get through it.

Like many of you have done, I too have talked to Rachel about so many problems of my own. Never realizing enough that she knew me way too well and that I cherished her as a friend more than she thought I did.

You see in a weird way Rachel sometimes missed her canvas and painted on us instead. We were her canvas when she didn’t have one; and in that sense she painted our hearts, our minds and our souls in the way she would her own artwork. The best way she knew how to make it look beautiful. Always making her mark the way it should have been done, through the way she saw life, and how she always seemed to know more about us than we did ourselves. I always thought her portfolio spread a lot further than the art sleeves tucked away in the spaces behind her desk. And as I look around I can sure see that her portfolio is gathered here today, filling each of these seats.

And for those of you who still need someone to talk to, Rachel is still there for you, and always will be. Her presence continues to be alive in us, and she will always be there right in front of you, listening to whatever you have to say.

Just remember this…Rachel has left us today but we will see her again, but not yet. She would not want us to go on living our lives worrying if she is okay or not. What she would want is for us to take her life and impress it upon our own. She would want us to go on living our lives as she did hers. Feeling free as the butterfly she was, to feel full of love, and to reach out to those who need us more, and to make them feel better about themselves even if you feel like crap.

She smiles down on us today as we remember her stories, her laugh, that unique personality, those stains in the carpet, and most importantly her life. But never forget. Because as long as you remember she lives on.

You see today she’s needed somewhere more important now. Up there God needed a new artist…a new artist to paint new skies, to paint new life, and to paint more beautiful things for us to see. For us to feel. For us to hear. And for us to love.

Remember the world is your canvas…paint it like Rachel did…

Rachel I will always love you, I will always miss you, and I will always live my life the way you did, taking it all in…but most importantly I will see you again, but not yet …fly free butterfly…fly free

P.S. Angel, if you need help spreading those wings I’m here to help, just don’t be afraid to fly.
 

A letter dated November 23, 2005 from Curt Tweedy who was in Nurnberg, Germany

Dear Toni and Denny, 

Hello, my name is Curt Tweedy – better known as “Curty” by the Kato crew.  Toni, you and I had a couple conversations in the past. 

I want to send my most sincere sympathy regarding Rach.  I met Rachael January of this year.  I was drawn to Rachel immediately… for her style, her caring personality, and her selflessness.  During the time, my girl friend was living in Germany, so Rachel immediately became the shoulder to lean on and my comic relief during the tough times. 

I my time in Kato, Rach and I hung out nearly everyday and we quickly realized we had a ton in common.  We spent our time walking Brody and talking about our dreams to go to Europe, her to France, and me, well, to the lady in Germany.  Rachel used to make me listen to this horrible French music, but I always loved it because she would try to sing the lyrics, pretending to be French.  We even go French and German audio cassettes so we could learn together. 

Our other activities included massive BBQ’s (for which Rachel would always buy way too much food and give it away – the perfect BBQ partner!)  We also shared an appreciation for art.  In fact, Rach was painting me a picture.  It’s sad to think that it’s one less painting that won’t exist, and one more smile that won’t occur because of her.  However, I’m trying my hardest not to think like this.  I’m focusing on the great times we did have and what a special person Rachel was.  You should both be proud of the human Rachel became and the lives she touched… with her warmth… her compassion… her life! 

This summer, when I left for Colorado before moving to Germany, Rachel gave me some paper and envelopes and told me “Lose yourself in the mountains and write those who matter.”  So, keeping with Rachel’s wish, I want to offer my sympathy again and my appreciation and thanks for the time I did have with Rachel. 

Sincerely,

Curt Tweedy
 

I am so very sorry for your loss- Jennifer
 

No matter how bad my day was going, I always knew that once I would make it back to my locker I would find you, Rachel, still try-in to get yours open from the class before, ha ha...Thank you for all the joy and laughter you put in our lives! I thank the Latin's for putting you alphabetically near my locker and most of all in my life for those short, but sweet four years of high school. Furthermore, this divine positioning put you and me right next to each other for the most important day of those four years, Graduation. Nonetheless, though now I realize I took most of those for granted, I thank God for everyday with you. We miss you so much RachieBachie. :)

Love Always, Your Locker Buddy, Kellan
 

I am deeply saddened by this loss. Though most of my contact with Rachel was only talking with her in the halls, or in PE classes, I always felt she was a really neat, free-spirited girl. She always brought a smile to my face, as she reminded me of a girl from the early ‘70s when I was in college. Although I did not know Rachel that well, I knew Rhys, Dad and Mom, and I feel for them as our thoughts and prayers go out to family and friends.
 

Hi, my name is Julie Britton and I live in Wildwood, IL. I heard of your loss through my Aunt, Julie Ramos, who was a co-worker of Dennis at Quaker Oats. I know exactly what you are feeling, thinking or still cannot believe. My only daughter, Francesca Marie Rodriguez “Frenchy” died on April 20th, 2005. Two days before her prom. It is a mother’s worse nightmare to hear that our daughter’s are gone forever, but I still believe we will see each other again.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to understand God’s plan but we need to continue to trust that he knows what he is doing.

My husband and I meet with The Compassionate Friends once a month. Please see the website www.iltcf.org.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you always.